In 2010 I left the place where I lived, the land I loved to live in another state with my future husband.
I was beginning a new life and full of plans and hope, motivated by so many promises of an extraordinary life with God.
Today 7 years later looking at my life I see that it has become so different from what I expected.
For I hoped to come here and be healed, to have a beautiful family and to go out serving God all over the place, preaching, singing and praying for the sick, because everything I read in the bible, the revelations in dreams and what I heard inside Of churches, led me to believe that I would live an unimaginable future with God.
But gradually the disease was changing the scene, I could not do many things and I was abandoning each one of them. Every year was surgery, months in bed unable to walk, alone without being able to count on my husband who left early every morning and returned at 11:30 pm from college. I had no one near me to help me. And those who were close were more than helpful.
I began to hate every morning that I opened my eyes and in my heart I only wanted death. I had been disappointed with God for living such a miserable life. If all people expect a wonderful future, imagine a servant of God who heard so many promises. I no longer knew what to believe.
I would sing and talk about a miracle-working Jesus and I would stand in front of the doctor listening to him say that he did not know how to solve my case, because of his complication. “Maybe it’s better if you go home and try to live like this until you can not walk …”
God did not help me at all and I was walking inside a big city, unknown with a prosthesis loose in the hip, without being able to receive the medicines of the state, with no prospect of improvement. I remember going to church and taking the CD to sing healing hymns, to heal Jesus, between prayers and prayer drives that were made by my priest.
Everywhere there is a person speaking of God always speak of promises for their future and a wonderful life, today I know they do not even know what they say.
I was walking on the street with the help of walking sticks or a hospital bed, so the Christians came near me as if I were a stranger to God, and they wanted to talk about God and pray for me. They said that Jesus could help me and even heal, I just had to believe.
I wanted to spit in their faces and say, “Yes, I know He can heal me, but He does not help me because He does not want to, because I believe, you ignorant. Come back to Satan because He sent you here to torment me . ”
I began to give up all my dreams, everything I wanted, even the work I wanted to do inside the church. I became an invalid and useless person, who instead of helping, needed the help of the people.
People came to my house to pray for me and they left and I kept thinking: I wanted to go along with them, where they were going and do what they were doing in the work of God.
I would sit in front of the window watching people go up and down the street and think, how happy they were to be able to walk fast, to be able to study, work, run from store to shop, come home tired from another day of work, On the street, anyway … living a normal life. I looked at the women in high-heeled shoes, nails, long hair, and that’s how I wanted to be.
I watched YouTube videos of gospel singers and preachers and imagined myself in their shoes.
At night, I dreamed of the life I had in the past, doing things that I can no longer do today, waking up sad and sometimes even crying to remember that life.
Anyway, I wanted and suffered for a life that I wanted to have and I hated the life I had.
I wanted God to do a miracle in my life, so that I could live all that I longed for.
One night I talked to my husband about what I wanted to do in God’s work and for the first time in my life I opened my heart to talk about it, maybe that outburst was more to God than to my husband and a second is as if God had spoken to me; “Look around and see the life and work I gave you, do you want to change all this for the life you dream of?
And at that moment my eyes opened and I saw my house, my work, my husband and the blog that God had given me as a work and I saw how everything was so precious and wonderful.
And my heart answered God, “No, Lord, I do not want to.”
I had not realized it all, despite having such a limited life, she was wonderful, I was in the best phase of my life.
Only I did not realize it until then because my eyes were fixed on the life I dreamed of. I have gathered everything I have seen and heard, transformed into the promise of a life of utopia.
Everything was insignificant to me, because I did not have what I wanted.
So I stopped suffering for the life I wanted to have and embraced the life I have, and I started being happy and giving value to everything.
It seems that any life was better than mine just because they did not have my illness and I did not even realize that I had a better life than the others. I did not realize that I could be very happy without needing anything else.
I was unhappy because I wanted to go out on the street and could not, so I found a lot of cool things for me to do inside my house and today I have more fun inside the house than outside with people.
I wanted to go out to work, study and saw that I can do it at home and today I do the internet.
I found another universe within my limitations and today I am very happy and I live the best phase of my life.
And in all this and for all this I give Glory to the Lord.
The days went by and I began to see my life in a way never seen before, I stopped waiting and whining about the life I wanted to have and I began to worry about being well and living well in the life I have.
Today I feel like getting out of bed because I know I will do a lot of good things during the day.
Sometimes we spend a lot of time looking at what we do not have and we do not notice what we have, we will only realize it when we lose.
Today I do not care about what I wanted to be doing or where I wanted to be, but I do a good job where I am.