From the beginning of my illness I could tell that there was something different about me, nor did they need to know about my life to know that I had an illness, because I limped, my hands were visibly swollen, I also started taking the corticosteroids and the face began to swell a lot, in an abnormal way that was very strange. Then I started to feel uncomfortable in relation to other people who were normal and who found it funny to my face like a full moon, the way I walked, they thought my hands were strange, in fact, not all the comments were pleasant. Some were ridiculing, making jokes, generally they made me feel very bad.
There were times when I even cried and said to God, “Well, I’m not to blame for this damn disease and I have to be humiliated because of it”, people were looking at my face and they kept comparing me to the most ridiculous characters on television and I did not like them I did not like it, I smiled to keep myself from feeling even lower, but on the inside I was crying.
It was everywhere, the church brothers, friends, family were all very cruel, I already avoided taking pictures. And this became a torture because whenever someone looked at me and talked quietly with the other I thought they were talking about me.
I lived in a small town with a little more than 6,000 inhabitants, where I was a rare case and people had very limited minds, were very individualistic, did not care about the other.
Today I see the difference because here where I live is big city people have a lot of compassion with who is sick with who is different there is nothing to laugh about, when I say something they call me attention and always try to help.
We are not educated, we are not prepared to listen to hostilities, we like to hear compliments, especially a young woman whose friends are all perfect and beautiful, you have trouble getting into a car like a 99 year old, it’s hard to be different.
So I was ashamed to walk on crutches in front of people, to show off my crooked hands and also embarrassed to take pictures.
From so much people commenting on my swollen face, this was potentializing in my sight and I was filled in the mirror with the face 10 times bigger than it really was, so I went hungry to lose weight, I stopped taking steroids and stayed in bed to deflate the face, because I was tired of people’s comments.
One day I went through a girl and I understood that she said something like “what a crazy woman”, I do not know if I heard right and I do not even know why she said it, but my thoughts that were already so accustomed to hearing something like that , they remembered what I had already done back there and that it was just a continuation of what had not died and I began to reflect again about it, that I finally had to go over it because my illness will worsen every day more and I’ll be who knows in a wheelchair and there’s no way a person can look at me and say you’re beautiful and perfect, because I’m not really normal and there’s no way people can fill me like that.
I started to argue with God about it, how am I going to deal with it? I can not, I’m sad and discouraged …
So the Lord made me understand that this kind of opinion has never made any difference in my life and will never do it, because it does not have the power to close doors for me or to hinder my way and that has never stopped me from getting where I wanted to go .
Who opens or closes doors in my life is the Lord and not these people, so their opinion makes no difference.
I just needed to understand and work it out in my head.
When I came back inside my house I was the same person I was before I went to the street and listen to the girl’s comment, nothing changed, I sat in front of my computer went to meet my clients, do my job, earn my money and continue my business that depend on the Lord and not on people.
So what people find does not define me, never defined, I am a blessed person and because God wanted to.
So we have to learn to deal with it, it is not easy and we are not free to at any time someone speak something unpleasant, but I have to trust who I am, if possible look at the face of the person and laugh along with it, To show that you do not see yourself the way she sees you. It is not because I am sick that I am a miserable person and that I have to live humiliated, on the contrary I am a person who was born to win, I am a successful person I have a wonderful mind and I was chosen by God and this Is everything and it means a lot.
I have more than many people who are perfect and healthy.
Matter what my God thinks about me and not what people think.