Today, by reading a few posts on Pinterest, I found Esther Smith’s Life in Slow Motion blog and her book I Would not Be More Useful to You If I were healthy, it caught my attention because I had said that same phrase to God a few times.
From the first day I entered the church, I wanted to know Jesus and serve him, even without understanding anything, I wanted to be inside the church with my husband also serving God, to live in a simple house in the same village where many members Of the church live.
It was not long before I began to hear promises from God that He had a great work for me.
As I listened to so many promises from God, I was getting worse in my illness and every day I was more lonely than having a profile of God’s servant. My illness was already disturbing my life and I could not do some things, I had difficulty climbing the altar to sing, because of the medicines my throat was very dry, there were days when I was voiceless, and so many other things that I was going to Do in the work of God and I could no longer play well. But I believed that God would heal me at the right time and I would serve Him the world outside.
The time was passing, the sickness advancing and the desire to serve God ever stronger and I always dreaming of the wonderful life that God had for me, because that’s what I heard inside the church.
Until the most critical moment of my illness came, a hip prosthesis had released and I could not do surgery the doctors did not want to do my surgery were afraid and had no solution, I saw myself losing a leg and or going For wheelchair it was then that I began to ask for healing for God, because now only a miracle, and I just heard: Believe, it is up to you, because Jesus can heal and He wants to heal.
Why when people see you as a crutch or a wheelchair or with any other illness they think that you are still in this situation and have not been healed because you do not believe in God or because you were never asked for by Him, they begin To speak of God as if you did not know Him or ask to pray for you, because they think that your prayer will take effect because others have never done it.
So I thought: now is the time to manifest and ask God to help with my illness, because it is only a miracle to save me.
I needed to persecute Jesus as that woman of blood flowed after Him with every sacrifice that I thought had to humiliate me and sacrifice me to seek my healing.
And I asked God what I had to do? I had to throw myself on the floor, did I have to cry in front of the whole church?
It depended on me, I would, the medicine could no longer help me and I would always leave the doctor’s offices crying discouraged, they asked me to stay like this until I could not take it and I found myself losing my leg and going to a wheelchair And all my dreams would end there.
And God did not say anything, I came to church and just heard, “I’m watching your fight, I see when you cry alone in the house,” or else I just heard nonsense that had nothing to do with what I was going through , And I asked God if He really saw my situation or even knew I had an illness.
I found myself in the midst of a lot of fanatics who said that God gives everything but that he did not care about me.
I was running in a big city that I knew nothing about with a loose prosthesis in pain where things happened on purpose to disturb me.
And then there was a day when I went with my mother to the house of a brother of the church, she wanted to talk to them about my brother’s death and ask for prayers and I went only to accompany her before leaving home alone, I told her. God to tell them to pray for me to be healed, because the Lord does not see that I need a miracle, medicine can not do it. We got there and had a lot of talk, we had coffee and some prayers and in the end the woman said that she knew that someone there was sick in her house because she was receiving a message from God that I felt even the symptoms that the person felt and inside of me Heart beat saying that your prayer has been heard and God will heal you.
But when she began to describe the symptoms of another sister she expressed herself to be her, and the illness was a simple anemia.
I thought, how could God despise my problem and want to cure an anemia that absurd I’m almost going to a wheelchair, losing my leg and God does not see, does not say anything, ve a simple anemia cure that everyone has?
I went out revolted against God, vowing that I would never believe Him again, trying to swallow the tears so that no one could see my indignation.
I would never ask God to heal me again! And when I went to say goodbye to his brother, he gave me a hug and said, “Wait in the time of God”
Finally I get a doctor who agrees to do the surgery and here comes the second part of hell that painful surgery, 6 months without power by the foot on the floor, alone in the house a pain like I had never felt before in all the years of the disease , And I would ask, “Why does God hate me so much to punish me like this?”
By then God was gone, when I needed it most.
I was already getting angry at other people because you see how much they talk about the testimonies in the church and I had nothing to say, since I got inside the church I lost everything and I got worse and sicker every time day.
Now I was a miserable person who depended on others until I peed.
I stayed in that valley of death for 7 years, until one day without knowing how or why I came across a YouTube video of Pastor Claudio Duarte (Brazil) that caught my attention because he preached in a very funny way, and I started watching To one video after another and I liked the way he preached, he was different from the others, he was not a hypocrite, he was very simple, very humble and he spoke in a way that was deep in my heart and began to To relive my love for the work of God. But I still did not talk to God, I did not want to know about God except that I loved His work so much, I no longer wanted to live in heaven, I did not want to know God, the church, the people, but I wanted to do it there Pastor Claudio was doing.
Then, gradually, I came back to speak to God only that only about the work and His Word, I did not want to give my life to Him again, I did not want to be a daughter, just a servant.
I started to work, record videos on YouTube to talk to God at dawn, I went back to studying the Bible, I loved doing it and I continued to watch Pastor Claudio’s videos.
I asked for wisdom for God and He did not manifest, everything went wrong and I began to be sad until Pastor Claudo preached that part of our life did not let God touch and I realized that God wanted me to give my life in the hand of He completely.
It was the worst thing I could hear, I was not going to make the same mistake and go through it all again, and I’ve been reluctant all day with those thoughts disturbing me, how would I believe in God again? So I showered crying and screaming with great indignation I said to God that yes I agreed to give everything, but it was not my will.
I knew that my life would not be complete from God’s work and I might not have another chance to change my mind. I did not want to live in heaven with Him and I was not afraid to go to hell, I did not want to be condemned, but I was not going to talk to God just to go to heaven and I had never received anything from God to encourage me to come back.
And it was many days after God began to talk to me and show me the work He wanted me to do and that I would have to work hard and study hard.
And that I had to record on the cell phone everything I learned and share with the world.
And one day I was in bed in pain I started to hear a Christian song and God came to meet me and I cried a lot, but, it was not sadness to find and be able to hug someone I loved so much.
So I had to talk to God again about my illness and it was very difficult to fight against me to touch on a subject that I wanted to bury, I started to complain to God how sick we are suffering so much and nobody understands us, nobody helps us, when we We do not get a miracle how difficult it is, it is very difficult to live with this is a giant that you can not beat who can help a person like this Lord?
And it’s as if God has been looking at me and speaking, so who can understand and help such a person? – Only those who go through the same situation that passes – someone like you!
It was then that I understood that my illness is the way I serve God, that this is the work God had with me and that he spoke so much.
And so I need to go through all of this to understand and be able to help.
It is really hard to swallow, because we think that the work of God is a wonderful thing to do and not something as painful as an incurable disease.
I wanted to reach out to people and see them being healed and not being in a bed without being able to walk in pain. I wanted to go to the prayer line and run and jump and I got a miracle, but the miracle is me in the lives of people who like me seek solace and can not find.
Because inside the church, it is only preached that Jesus is going to do the miracle now and that’s it, but when He does not do the miracle, how does one remain?
Who can help you?
Today I do not know if one day God will cure me of this disease or if I’m going to die with it next week, but one sure thing I have, it hurts how much to hurt this disease is God’s work for me.